…that a dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep. And for the first time in what feels like years, I can clearly remember - at least most of - the details of a dream I had. I was running down a beach as the sun was rising (so vividly I can be certain it was not setting); running at a comfortable pace, but with what felt like completely unencumbered strides, nothing stopping me from moving as fast as I wanted to. The beach was empty, and as I began to notice this fact within my dream, my running slowed. I slowed until I stopped, turned, and looked all around to make sure I really was alone. And without second thought, I shed my shorts and ran as fast as I could for the ocean. Naked as the day I was born. And even within the dream I felt the exhilaration of the cold morning water take my breath away and run through me, head to toe. A rush, perhaps because I had the freedom to make that happen, or because of the spontaneity of the decision. Whatever it was, it jarred me when I woke up today and remembered all of it.
Now - not so different from the dream itself - for the first time in my adult life, I feel like I have complete control and clarity of the situation that is… me. My life. Somewhere during the past five years, over the course of earning two degrees, I became caught up in all the bullshit I heard day after day. I got caught up in being part of a school or part of a program that would get me a job with some admired/sought-after/coveted position. Not so much caught up in what one would usually associate with all that. Not caught up in arrogance, narcissism, or greed, but caught up in what everyone else thought I was cut out to do, what everyone thought was best for me.
I can’t say with certainty that I won’t end up taking a job with a consulting firm or corporation in the city, but for the first time in years I am truly motivated to learn, excel, achieve, improve, explore, discover new facets of myself; to become more creative, to look at problems in ways a business school wouldn’t and certainly didn’t teach me; to work for myself, earn for myself, to do it on my own. And it probably won’t be all that easy. I also realize that some of the people who I thought were behind me, with me, on my side… well, they’ll probably be laughing, scoffing at what a loser/jackass/[insert word for one not living up to one’s own potential here], maybe even hoping I fail. None of that matters, and quite frankly I feel sorry for those people if they’re going to judge me because I didn’t go down the same path as they chose.
When I was fourteen years old, I was making over a grand a month (a lot for a fourteen year old) just running a website that I started for the fun of it. I was getting paid to work for myself, to manage a few employees. I had contacts at some of the largest media companies in the country, at fourteen and fifteen years old!! I told my parents and my friends that I wanted to go to college so I could own my own business, be my own boss. Somewhere between 19 and 21 I lost track of that, and stopped even mentioning it, which I didn’t even realize until my dad mentioned it to me the other day: “I know the past couple months haven’t been easy, but I’m excited for you, and I actually hope you see this through. For awhile I didn’t think you were really willing to take the chance to do it yourself, but I’m glad you are because it makes me proud that you’re starting to do what I know you are capable of. If I had it to do over again, I think I would have liked to work for myself too.”
Maybe it’s taken putting down the (non-crack) pipe [that on many days made bearable what probably wasn’t even all that beneficial for me in the first place] to regain the desire to go out and achieve something meaningful for myself (and it’s not as if I haven’t achieved much in the past five years), but I think it’s much bigger than that. I finally have stepped outside of a non-comfort zone that I’ve been stuck in for so long at school. I’m not worried about whether I work for a Deloitte or E&Y, and I don’t have anyone around trying to convince me any of that is for me, or that I’m meant for them.
Only in an academic environment can people make you think you need them (or need to pay them) to get a good job - even a great job - or to be happy. I’m happy, I know I’m prepared as anyone could be, and I know that I can provide for myself. So maybe a dream is not the wish your heart makes when it’s asleep, but what your heart wants when you’re awake and alive. And I certainly feel more alive and optimistic right now than I have in years.